Saturday, March 25, 2006

Holy Crapcakes

i'm in a bit of a fog now. my first wind of the day is gone.

went to the doctor yesterday. the one dr. rc says is going to be the one who helps me the most & figures out what's wrond w/me. dr. ea said we'll continue to treat my sero-negative arthritis (psoriatic arthritis) by up-ing my dosage. he feels treating the arthritis is the best bet. it's an autoimmune disease which can make me vulnerable to infection. he said my chronic fatigue and chronic upper respiratory infections could also be fibroymyalga because my blood work results have improved, but, i'm still getting sick. but, if treating the arthritis doesn't help me overall, he's out of idea's. he honestly doesn't know. but, not to worry about that right now. keep taking the oral meds and soon i'll switch to the iv and injectible meds and we'll go from there.

i'm about to be sick to my stomach. i've had health problems for 13 years now. i've been under the same dr's care (dr. as) for 12 years now. i can't take this, emotionally or physically anymore and i want to find out what's wrong w/me. i want to have children w/my husband. i told this to dr. as this past monday and there was no reaction from him. no suggestions, no direction, no "i'm sorry, i just don't know what to tell you," no nothing! 12 years and that's all i get?! i deserve better than that!

dr. rc knows there's something wrong w/me. he's an ortho, so he's not familiar w/internal medicine, but, he knows there's something very wrong. he's been in contact w/dr. as & dr. ea. he's been very supportive. i once told him i was beginning to think it was all in my head, that somehow i've done all this to myself. he said longterm, there's no way i could have done this to myself. (short term, it couldn've been a possibility). i cried in the exam room that day w/him because it was the first time i felt s dr had really listened and believed me and agreed that there was something wrong w/me.

dr. ea also listened, believed me and agreed there's something worng w/me. but, now he's told me that if treating my arthritis doesn't work, he doesn't know what else to do.

how absolutely terrifying and defeating.

i didn't even bother to tell my mother what dr. ea said yesterday. she's navigating choppy waters in her own life now and it would just upset her more, just like everything else i've told her lately. and i really want to avoid the whole "what did i do wrong as a mother" guilt thing she's got going on about all this because (for once,) this is about me and i'm the one who needs the comfort & reassurance. i'm not in the mood anymore for it to be the other way around. (if you knew the history between us, you wouldn't be surprised or think that it's selfish & uncaring of me - maybe, someday i'll get into it).

i self medicated yesterday by buying garden soil, medditerranean pink heather, a "peace" climber rose root, 3 (forced) tulips and 4 (hybrid, large petal) primroses.

my husband told me not to worry, that we'll keep trying & keep going to different dr's. he said i'm going to be fine, i'll get better and we are going to have children. he's here w/me through this.

today i spent the better part of the morning re-potting all of them and planting dahlia (rosella & thomas edison) & gladioli (pastel mix) bulbs.

i felt ok until i was done. i have to finish cleaning and get ready. after my husband gets off work, we're meeting friends and driving down to atlantic city to see travis tritt in concert. i've never been down there and i've never seen tt in concert. i should be excited. but all i want to do is crawl into bed and go back to sleep.

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