Friday, March 10, 2006

Wrote to my little girl...

last night about my wanting to devote a small garden to her this year. i told her of how i thought of growing royal amethyst roses especially for her, but, if there's something else she'd like more, then to please give me a sign as i look through the catalogs, search online & roam the nursery's.

i told her of how i'd also like to maybe devote a small garden to her great-nana, her great-grandma, her grandma (her father's mother) and my husband's mother who passed this past june. and maybe even her grandpa (my father). (maybe! a big maybe!)

brianna would've turned 6 this past december. unfortunately, the only time she was given in this world was a mere two months in my belly, march to may of 1999. but, she will be with me for my lifetime. i know it may sound very different, for lack of a more tasteful word, to some of you, that i write to her. but, it helps me to get through my grief, guilt, regrets and the "what-if's" that happen when i least expect them & that happen with every year that passes by. she was my child & i loved her more than anything while she was with me. her not having been born into this world as we know it does not make her any less my child or make me any less her mother or change my love for her. her grandma helen, (her father's mother) once told me you're not supposed to out-live your children & you never get over the loss. (her daughter pam was 19 when she was killed in an auto accident in 1969). i can only speak for myself, but, i believe it as well. some things may get easier with time, but, it's never far from your heart & soul.

i began writing to her the day she was gone from me, that night. the journal i write to her in has two yellow tulips on the front with a small picture of the eiffel tower. it went unused from the moment i bought it. (i'm picky/funny about journals-if i don't feel a connection to them, i don't use them! we all have our curiosities!) i originally wrote to her on scrapes of paper, but, when i came across this journal in my old closet, i knew i'd found it's purpose and copied down everything i'd already written to her.

it's at least 70 degrees now, sunny & very blustery! i've cleaned the leaves up out of the containers on the porch & miracle growed the same. i think now i'll take some lunch out on the patio where it's a bit cooler & more protected from the wind and try to begin planning out what's going to where... and hopefully brianna will let me know where she'd like her flowers to grow too.

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