Monday, May 08, 2006

How Appropriate

How Appropriate...

May 8th, 2006 10:04:21 am
that it's cloudy & a bit dreary today, i thought as i awoke this morning. it's 7 years today that my baby girl passed. (i'm sorry that i don't get into further detail - the circumstances are too private & painful for me to discuss.)

i don't know what to do with myself today. i'd like to lite a candle for her, but, may have to wait until my husband gets home since i can't drive & it would be a heck of a walk from here.

there's no weeding or watering to be done since i did it over the wkend. (so much fun, by the way, when you've torn your right url ligament & triceps tendon & you're right handed!!)

i guess i could tidy up our bedroom since it looks like the laundry bags exploded in here!

i could walk to the library and ck in on my online class that i cannot access from home anymore because the site "remembers" that my computer "rejected" a "cookie" (accidentially) and since the site essentially "remembers," resetting my internet options will not change the fact that i cannot access it. (all that got me was spyware cookies & the alphacleaner trojan which hijacked 34 or my files before i got rid of it!)

maybe i'll just get lost on here for the next few hours!

i just don't know.

i'm a bit numb acutally. which, i guess, is an improvement over how i've been on this day in past years. but, in some ways i feel guilty that i'm not an absolute mess this year. i told a friend who's husband passed away recently that it doesn't necessarily get better - you just realize one day that it's different. i'm not sure that it gives credence to the addage "time heals all wounds" though. i'm not sure some things heal - you just learn to live with them.

i wish there was a specific place i could go but there isn't. once we own our own home, i'd like to make a small garden for her there. i'm not sure about doing that here. here it couldn't be permanent. i don't know where i'd feel a connection to her.

oh great! the landscapers are here! so much for peace and quiet! wonder why today? they're usually here on tuesday's!

oh well. somehow i'll muddle through!


Greg said...

Hi Jo! Impermanence is no reason not to make a garden for Your Girl. (Lots of my plants have traveled through an assortment of rental properties with me.) You could always tote the plants along with you when you go, and have the pleasure of beginning to choose and enjoy the ones that make you think of her. They'd be of a larger size and ready for dividing when you move, anyway. Anyhoo, thanks for sharing.

GardeningJo said...

thank you! it's nice to not get the "just smile & nod - don't upset the crazy person" reaction to something like this!

i too have brought a numbers of dug up treasures from our old apt to this new one and they all seem to be doing beautifully now!

it's all just a bit overwhelming! the moving to a new apt, new town (a place neither one of us ever considered living in before but we nonetheless love!) and starting over from scratch in the gardening area (i've got about 4 times the amount of space here than where we came from, which i wonderful, but, i sometimes lack patience and gardening takes time! and there's so much i want and want to do and not enough $ money at one time to do it all!!), but...

everything in time! i am so undecided about a lot of things with the gardens, but, i think i'll just know where and when to make a special place for her! (i can't, essentially, force it to happen).

thank you again for your kind words and support!