May 8th, 2006 10:04:21 am
that it's cloudy & a bit dreary today, i thought as i awoke this morning. it's 7 years today that my baby girl passed. (i'm sorry that i don't get into further detail - the circumstances are too private & painful for me to discuss.)
i don't know what to do with myself today. i'd like to lite a candle for her, but, may have to wait until my husband gets home since i can't drive & it would be a heck of a walk from here.
there's no weeding or watering to be done since i did it over the wkend. (so much fun, by the way, when you've torn your right url ligament & triceps tendon & you're right handed!!)
i guess i could tidy up our bedroom since it looks like the laundry bags exploded in here!
i could walk to the library and ck in on my online class that i cannot access from home anymore because the site "remembers" that my computer "rejected" a "cookie" (accidentially) and since the site essentially "remembers," resetting my internet options will not change the fact that i cannot access it. (all that got me was spyware cookies & the alphacleaner trojan which hijacked 34 or my files before i got rid of it!)
maybe i'll just get lost on here for the next few hours!
i just don't know.
i'm a bit numb acutally. which, i guess, is an improvement over how i've been on this day in past years. but, in some ways i feel guilty that i'm not an absolute mess this year. i told a friend who's husband passed away recently that it doesn't necessarily get better - you just realize one day that it's different. i'm not sure that it gives credence to the addage "time heals all wounds" though. i'm not sure some things heal - you just learn to live with them.
i wish there was a specific place i could go but there isn't. once we own our own home, i'd like to make a small garden for her there. i'm not sure about doing that here. here it couldn't be permanent. i don't know where i'd feel a connection to her.
oh great! the landscapers are here! so much for peace and quiet! wonder why today? they're usually here on tuesday's!
oh well. somehow i'll muddle through!