Friday, July 14, 2006

Ups & Downs

it's hard. this morning was beaufitul ~ warm with a breeze & sunny. not humid. i took a quick walk around the complex to unlock the vacant apartments for the painters & contractors. i was feeling good, emotionally and physically.

but, it's always so brief. even though it lasted for a few hours, it's still over shadowed by the not feeling good part.

while sitting on the couch, trying to begin a new book, "a good yarn" by debbie macomber, waves of queasyness washed through me. my heart rate sped up. i was light headed & suddenly knock down - drag out tired.

blood pressure dropped? not enough to eat? dehydrated? sinuses?

i got up and poured a mug of gingerale & brought the pretzel crisps with me back to the couch along with a bottle of water. i drank from both and i ate some pretzels while i wrote everything down. it's so confusing to be fine one minute and not the next.

i've always done this ~ sporadically, not consistently and i need to make an all out effort to do write these things down all the time to see what patterns arise, what clues are hidden or screaming out. anything i've written prior to 05/04 is gone ~ my ex stole everything or threw everything i owned away, including my journals, when i kicked him out. i can only remember vague starting points for certain things now.

when my heart rate began to calm, i noticed a slight pounding pressure in my head.

a while later, i was ok again. and it sucks. i go through this every day. i start out with such enthusiasm and then this happens and knocks all the wind out of me. and then i do nothing with myself and my day.

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