Thursday, October 18, 2007

panick attack!

Thursday, October 18, 2007 4:29:55 PM

ugh! here i am, supposed to be trying to write a scary story (for our little writer's group given the time of year!) and it's 74 degrees with 87% humidity! we had more fall like weather in august than we've had since the beginning of fall last month!

but, more so than anything right now, i'm panicking! panicking because i emailed hubby's resume this afternoon to a company in pennsylvania. and what sucks is that this spring i was ready to leave nj! and when hubby left agent orange for the wolf in sheeps clothing this may and told me that there wasn't even a reason to visit tennessee, i was so crushed to my very soul, i didn't think i'd get over it! to say the least, i haven't been happy with the thought of staying in nj, but i decided to accept it and be thankful for where i live and what i have instead of not appreciating it and being all "woe is me." hubby and i talked recently and he said we'd be here about another year.

he's mentioned this company in pa before. i know he's not happy where he is. he was supposed to have been hired for sales. instead he's unloading trucks in receiving. i'm not demeaning that kind of work. it's not what hubby wants to do, it's not what we were told he'd be doing and he's not happy doing it. given his sales record at agent orange, it's ridiculous that they'd waste him in receiving! they had talked with him about doing some overtime and maybe transferring to another department and even though it wasn't the sales dept., he was very open to it and agreed. today he found out they hired outside people for that very same department! hence the calls from him for me to email his resume.

i'm scared to death. terrified. i know i do this every time we talk of moving to pa or tn, and this could be such a reaction because i'm still sick with this head cold & bronchitis, but all these scary thoughts keep running through my mind! like, he'll have work, what will i have?! i'll be all alone! i won't have my mom & aunt judy, brenda, michelle or kathy. (i have gillian regardless thanks to email and blogging!) our phone bill will run a fortune! and i just found that writer's group that even after only 2 meetings i'm enjoying so much! yes, there's the internet and email and blogging... this may be an apartment but this is my home. i'm sorry to say it like that ~ my home and not our home. but it really is my home. and i have a back yard! a place to sit outside! i've never had either one!

oh, but some body was listening when i was talking to my mom on the phone the other day. murphy's law i suppose! i was telling her how hubby was looking into reeb millwork and where they were and how we said to one another that we keep saying "we're gonna, we're gonna, we're gonna" and we've just got to do it!

i've been trying to reason with myself about all of this. regardless of this unseasonably warm weather we're having, this is the slow time of year and anything that can be done now can't be counted on in case winter makes it's appearance ~ especially in pa! (where most of that state still actually has winter!) so maybe this wouldn't be something that would happen overnight. and would the property management company he works for right now have one of their pa properties open for a resident manager that we could transfer to? and if so are they to where this company is? and would i like living in eastern pa? (we originally planned on northern in the mountains area). i know the town the company is in has a river running though it...

that's always one of my first thoughts ~ will i be close to water?! i have been nearly all my life! heck, there's a creek that runs along the opposite side of the property from us!!! i need water, regardless of what form it comes in (though i do prefer bigger than the creek we've got here!)!

i'm also afraid that my bouts of depression will be worse when we move out of state. they're better now that we moved here, but still bad at times. what will happen to me if i'm in an area where i know no one and am truly alone?

1 comment:

. said...

I should have posted about this earlier - you'll always be stuck with me - no matter where our husband's jobs may take us! Internet, phone, visits!