Thursday, May 08, 2008

I had my 4th I.V. treatment at home on Tuesday. It left me very tired and wheezy, but ok. Yesterday, because I woke feeeling fine, I did a little too much off the bat and found myself having 2 big dizzy spells & back to being as exhausted as I was the previous evening!

I knew I should rest, but I didn't want to go back inside, so I sat in the sun in one of the adirondack chairs you've seen many times in my photo slideshows here. For as long as I've had them where they are now, I've never sat in either of them! (Since last summer when the relandscaping was done?!) It was very windy which made sitting in the sun so comfortable and relaxing! (Gorgeous weather but the wind blew pollen around like crazy so everything was glowing with a greenish coating of it by dinner! I had so many sneezing fits!)

Initially, I wrote in my journal for awhile, about some things I did outside, a few things I'd like to do out back to make things look better and seeing the 1st butterfly of the season! Then I started pondering what I was going to do for Brianna today. (My daughter, gone from me now 9 years ago today).

And this is what I wrote: "Lighting a candle in Church doesn't feel the same anymore. Perhaps I'm no longer begging God's forgiveness and praying that He not take my choices out on her? Or perhaps my 'Church' is my garden. This is where I feel most connected. This is where I feel I belong. This is where I feel her. In every pink flower, I feel her. I feel her, I know I do."

Feeling very tired, I stopped writing. I leaned my head back and closed my eyes. Almost immediately I began to drift and almost immediately I felt a presence to my left. It startled me and I opened my eyes. Nothing there besides the Azalea & Rhodedendrun bushes! I closed my eyes and began drifting. Faintly, in my left ear, as if so very far away, I heard, "Mama... Mama!" and felt the presence to my left again, which startled me once more! Realizing now what I'd heard, I tried to grasp that far away girl's voice, tried to drift away again so that the presence and the voice would come back, but of course it didn't work!

I think it's very much like author Liz Gilbert talked about with her search for God in Eat Pray Love and during her Oprah appearances ~ if you try to hold onto it (that feeling, that presence), it immediately begins to leave you because you're not ready for it yet. You have to be open to it, not try to posess it.

I actually slept longer than I thought I had when I discovered a light sun burn on my chest and arms before bed!

I think I'm going to take a walk to buy some flowers. I'm not sure if I'll stop by Church to light a candle or not.


windy city girl said...

What a beautiful, poignant entry. I really FELT your experience. Thanks for sharing it.

As for me, I was so moody and pissed off the last few days, talking with you was just what I needed. And it helped not to be bellyaching about my problems (even though I know you would listen if I did and that the offer always stands on my end as well). Sometimes, it's just good to have a good chat with a good friend, about really important stuff like our favorite mugs :-)

windy city girl said...

Tried posting this earlier, but got an error message.

What a beautiful, poignant entry. I really FELT your experience.

As for me, I was really pissed off about work and school yesterday, but I didn't want to dump all that on you (even though I know you would listen to me vent and I'd do the same for you). Actually, talking with you was just what I needed. Sometimes, it helps to talk with friends about important stuff like our favorite mugs :-)