Friday, January 30, 2009

Sigh.

So I've posted here about my reactions to Oprah's hormone imbalance shows. Silly me broached the subject with my Mom this afternoon. She got that look on her face.

But I went on, during which she said "I don't sleep well, I haven't slept well in years" to which I replied "I know and I told you YEARS ago that something was wrong - I bought you "The Wisdom of Menopause" when it first came out in hard cover and you've never read it."

And then I went on because I'm tired of things about me becoming about (Mom) the other person. I told her that if there's a chance there's a problem with my hormones or throid and that I could feel a little or entirely better, then I have to explore this until I'm satisfied. I need to be as healthy as I can be too if we're going to try to have a baby! If this could help... I also told her if this is it for me and this is as good as I will ever feel, then I'll accept that.

She asked me if I think that I don't really have what my Rheumatoidologist says I have to which I said, "I didn't say that" to which she replied, "But if that's it will you still be considered disabled? Would you lose your disability?" to which I replied, "For crissakes why does everything with you come back to my NOT losing my disability?! If I ever become NOT disabled then yes, my disability would stop and I don't have a problem with that! Why do you have a problem with that? Why are you always trying to discourage me from things by using that as the "subtle" excuse? I'm not like other people who intentionally doop the govt out of money they don't need, but you are WAY ahead of yourself and that doesn't even need to be considered right now."

I KNOW BETTER. I do. But, damnit. For once I'd like to be heard and not discouraged.

7 comments:

Holli said...

We hear you!! :) And we try not to be discouraging.... lol

Keep at it Jo. Do what's right for YOU. That's what matters.

GardeningJo said...

Thank you Holli! I am so grateful for my Chicks!

Cyn said...

Jo, I think you and I might share the same mother!!!

Hannah Banana said...

I agree, Jo. Good for you putting your foot down. You need to do what's best for you & not what others think you should do. Vent as much as you need to. We are here to listen & be there for you. :)

BookGirl78 said...

Vent all you need to! Your mom should be supportive and not driving you batty :( I'm so thankful I have you in my life!
~Heather~ :)

teri said...

oh man, don't make ME be the devil's advocate. sheezeUS. okayyyy. mom's only looking out for you. she's worried you'll lose your disability and then won't be able to get it back. and then won't feel good anyway. and she's just being a mom. bleh. there. I said it.

Jo, there are some great endocrinologists that work at the hospital for joint diseases here in NY. If you come here to see them maybe you can nip this thing in the bud once and for all on both fronts to see if it is related. My DH just found out his TSH, while still in the "normal" range, is knocking his hormones way out of whack because his thyroid is too low. So he's on thyroid meds to fix both thyroid and hormones. Maybe you'll have a similar answer? I'd definitely look into it. (Before I gave up my disability, LOL)

GardeningJo said...

Cyn,
At least that's not all we share!

Hannah,
Thank you!

H (BookGirl), that is so sweet! Thank you & the feelings mutual!

Teri,
I thank you and after I've read up on hormone imbalance and thyroid (I've had problems with that in the past as well), I'm going to start going to my own doctor's as well as others to see where I can get, if any where, with this. I want to know what I'm talking about, sound like I know what I'm talking about so that I can't be poo pooed by any doctor!

If you knew my Mom... Well, it would be nice if she listened, was supportive and then voiced concerns. Just once. When it comes to anything truly important to me (in my opinion) she doesn't do any of this. (You should hear her reaction to us talk about whether or not we have children - she's all for the not!)

For as long as I can remember, she doesn't listen because immediately she goes into discouragement mode (aka take no risks regardless of the intention or outcome) and now she uses my social security disability as the means to keep me from doing things, using the 'you don't want to jeopardize your disability' angle.

When I told her about being able to receive a proof copy of my 2007 NaNoWriMo manuscript, she did the same thing, no congrats (still none), no words of encouragement or praise, just right into what it would do to my disability! (The proof copy won't do anything and before deciding if I may it available on Amazon, I would see my attorney OF COURSE!)

I know how hard it was for me to get my ssd! I was the one who fought for it for over 3 years! The process is unbearably long, maddening and disheartening. They want you to give up and though I was close, I didn't. I am still disabled and if there's a chance not to be, it's not going to happen over night and I wouldn't go off my disability until I was assured that I was in fact no longer disabled.

Mom's discouragement mode has had a negative affect on me in that I've been doing it as well for so long and it's really a struggle to get out of that habbit. Now that I am so aware of it, it makes her doing it all the more... (Shaking my head now).