Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Inspired by SlobbsBlog

My Father's Hands

Large or small? Soft or rough? I don't know.

They held bottle after bottle. Held a gun to my mother's head, playing russian roulette. Smashed her body, time and again. Held her back. Kept her down. Could have killed her, but that would have been too easy. Killed her spirit.

Neither will kill mine.


Thauna said...

Oh Jo, that just makes my heart sad! No one should have to endure it or watching that as a child. [[[big hugs]]]

GardeningJo said...

Thauna, most of what my father did to my mother happened before I was born, though I'm sure it happened after as well and any chance he could once she left him. But I know a lot of what happened (more so from other family members than from her - she's elluded enough for me to get the picture and having been in abusive relationships myself, I have a a very, very good idea).

I was inspired by Deb's piece because she knows so much about her father's hands whereas I know so little, but what I do know isn't nice or what a father's hands should be.

He died 30 years ago this January and for much of the past 30 years, my mother continued to let him control her which has had a profound impact on my life and my relationship with her. I am so thankful that I am in a place in my life where no one (except mom!) is trying to control me any longer. I fought against that for so long and finally broke free of it in 2004.

dragyonfly said...

Jo, our father's hands have left definate marks on our lives, that's for sure one thing we have in common. We are sisters in that, and the understanding it brings about what we Dont Want.
Im glad you wrote about your father's hands, too.

GardeningJo said...

D, thank you! Thank you.

teri said...

Jo, this is so heartbreaking. The things that trouble parents have such a profound effect on their children. As a teacher I have been confronted with this so often and it tears at my heart. I want to fix the world of every child who is right now enduring this, and of course we can only help one child at a time.

GardeningJo said...

Teri, thank you. I've been in abusive relationships in the past and I thank God every day for my Husband and the good man that he is. There are many reasons I hesitate when it comes to having children and my relationship with my Mom is one of those reasons, as is my quick temper. I'm afraid to pass any of that onto my children, knowing how I've felt at times in my life.