Thursday, April 30, 2009

Today's Writing

Thursday, April 30, 2009 1:05pm

I had to get out of the apartment. Or was it really my life I needed to get out of? I grabbed my blue Mary Mother of God candle and a lighter and went down stairs. For once it was quiet in the complex. I sat on the stoop and lit the candle. I had no idea what time it was having worked late and attended a meeting afterwards. All I knew at that moment was that it was Sunday, it was dark, I hadn't been able to get to the cemetery to see my Nana and I was pissed. It was 4 years ago that day that my Nana had passed. I usually took the day off from work ahead of time but forgot to do so this year. "Tony" had refused to take me to the cemetery before work as did Mom.

Our mutual friend "Laurie" showed up with Tony to pick up from work earlier and he spat out every curse word and derogatory phrase for women he knew of at me the whole way home. "Laurie" was openly shocked. I couldn't have cared less. We were over. Long over. If he was arrogant enough to think that I only kicked his sorry mooching ass to the curb because I was screwing around with someone else (at work), that was his stupidity. I wouldn't let him in the apartment when she dropped me off and he followed so he went back out with her. (What a fool she was too. We both knew she was in love with him and he used that to his every advantage).

I looked down at the candle and then up at the deep blue night sky. Without talking aloud, I began talking, hoping that someone or something heard me.

"Please God, Mary, Jesus, or whomever is listening, I don't want to be sitting here a year from now, in this exact same spot in this exact same life, a mere 5 days before my 30th birthday. I want better for myself. I deserve better. I'm prepared to be alone and I am ok with being alone because it has got to be better than being miserable with someone I cannot stand to even look at. Please help me to do what I need to do to have a better life. Please. Please."

That was when my life began to change, when I began to change.

Shortly after while I was still sitting on the stoop, Tony came back and immediately started in on me.

"Shut up and get inside. I am not ready to talk to you yet," I said without moving or even looking at him.

He marched upstairs, mumbling to himself.

Once I was done talking to Nana and apologizing for not coming by to see her, I picked up the candle and went upstairs to my apartment. Tony was standing in the living room and turned to look at me as I walked in. Before he could open his mouth, I started speaking.

"I've said this before and after I say this again, I am not going to repeat myself. You and I are through. Over. Done with. You have until the end of the month to get your shit out of my apartment. I don't care where you go or how you get your shit out of here, that is your problem. I don't give a fuck what happens to you. If you give me any shit in the mean time, you'll need a police escort to come and go from here. Anytime I am here, before work, after or on my days off, you aren't allowed to be here. If I see you here, I'll call the police. You are allowed to be here with the purpose of getting your shit out while I am at work only. And by the way, I refuse to be your representative payee for your checks any longer and am notifying social security in the morning. Now get the fuck out of here! You have 5 minutes and I'm calling the police."

With that I went into the bedroom and locked the door behind me. I heard him call Laurie to come pick him up and he left. I went to the front door and slid the safety bar through it's threads so he couldn't get back in later, then I returned to the bedroom, blew out the candle and fell into the deepest sleep I'd had in years.

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