Tuesday, August 11, 2009

(Some may think I'm crazy here, but it's whatever you believe).

I've been off balance, so to speak, and not feeling well since June. I'm not getting any better and even though for me with my health there's only so much better I can be, I'm tired of feeling like crap every minute of the day for weeks on end. My body is producing too much bad flora, often a problem for those of us with auto-immune diseases, and I've been trying to get it under control. That bad flora is spreading itself into other area's of my body, which I didn't know it could do until I was Googling around one night before bed, wondering if there was a connection.

But, there's been more to it than that. Sure the up and down weather hasn't helped, us adjusting to Vic being home all the time hasn't helped either. But, I've known, off in the distance of my mind, that there's something else, creeping into my chest, leaving its' invisible mark on everything in our home.

Sunday when we came home from up North, I started getting a headache again and I vaguely wondered what in the house was making me sick. "Something in the house is making me sick!" I knew it at that moment, but was too tired to try & figure it out.

Yesterday, when I started feeling crappy again, I started walking around the house, from the kitchen to the living room to the spare room to the bathroom, saying aloud, "Something in here is making me sick! What the hell is making me sick?"

As I was walking back towards the kitchen, it dawned on me: Someone's negativity has permeated our home. I had a Charlie Brown "THAT'S IT!" moment. Then I realized aloud, "Oh no! It's Mom! Oh my God, it's Mom's negative blah all over my house!" I'm sure the universe or whomever was listening wanted to respond with a rousing "DUH!" ~ Whenever I went to make a call up to that point yesterday, I dialed Mom's number, no matter who I was actually trying to call! But I didn't pick up on the hint. When I walked into the kitchen, I looked around and had another realization, "Oh God, she's been snooping all over the house!" Saturday she'd been in here to check on the cat food bowls. Sunday when we came home, I saw our mail sitting on the dining room table. I didn't like it. I didn't like the feeling I got when I saw it sitting there. I got very uncomfortable last week when she mentioned that she'd been in our spare room while 'baby sitting' the kitties in June and asked if the ladder in the corner by the treadmill was Dad's. (It is and no, I'm not giving it back to her. She threw it away during one of her moves and I took it. It's all I have of my father and even though he was a bastard, it's all I have of him and I'm not giving it to her ~ but that's another story).

Within a half hour, an optical migraine started coming on so I popped an Imitrex and an Advil & laid down on the couch, trying to keep myself calm so the vision part would pass quickly. It did but then the pain set in. After Vic came home, I took a nap for about 45 minutes, slowly got up and finally the pain began to go too.

I called my bff Kathy while Vic was at his American Legion Post meeting and we talked for a couple of hours on the phone, a lot about this subject and I started feeling better. It felt so good to talk & laugh with her ~ we don't get to see one another enough anymore.

I'm not trying to say Mom has a voodoo doll of us (though one never knows with her) or is intentionally doing anything here. Because she's spent time in here without either of us being here, I feel her energy, her aura, her unhappiness and overall negativity has been able to linger here. She's been looking at everything with a critical eye, most likely snooping through things, her bitterness and jealousy over my having a good marriage & husband and her not coming out. Talking it out with Kathy last night, I could see and feel it all clearly.

Today I begin taking our home back, replacing the darkness with light.


Lit and Life said...

Sending you big hugs! It breaks my heart to know that your mom is not everything she should be for you. I have been so blessed with my parents (and my in-laws, for that matter) and just hope to be able to always be that type of parent.

M.J. said...

I know how you feel--I am very affected by other people's energy. Take care of youself!

Jo said...

Lisa, you are so sweet! Thank you for your kind words and I can feel your hug too.

M.J., I know I'm not the only one who's affected by other's energy but sometimes when you put it out there like this (in blog land/online) you feel as though people will think you're nuts or making something out of nothing - not that I care actually, but the thought crossed my mind, lol!

Thank you! I'm trying to take care of myself a little better than usual right now hoping it helps too.

Cindy said...

Jo I am so sorry that your relationship with your mother is like that; I can't even imagine. When feeling blue, feeling negative energy, etc. my bf always lights a white candle and meditates for a bit. Hope you feel better soon!

Jo said...

Thank you Cindy! (And that's a great suggestion with the white candle, thanks for mentioning).

Sydney said...

I totally believe people can muck things up with negative energy. How else can you explain how different things are when a toxic person you work with doesn't come in one day? I'm sorry you're going through this. Do the best you can to take care of you and clear the negative thoughts from your mind.