I've been good at doing just that (turning upheaval into revival) for so long now, I think I've run out of steam with it. I don't think I can do it any more. I don't know if I want to. Guess I'll have to wait & see.
I am worn out. Physically and emotionally. I feel so old yet I'm "only" in my 35th year of life!
Last Friday's surgery was harder on me than I expected.
I know, I should have expected it to be, after all, 2 surgeries and a life threatening illness within 3.5 months is a lot for anyone, but perhaps it was better for me that I didn't anticipate it being so hard afterwards. I was nervous enough.
I've managed to get out twice this week but the outtings were very short because I'm in pain and exhausted. I'm glad I got out though. I can barely stand to be in the house any more. Especially at this, my favorite time of year. I feel as though Autumn is passing as quickly as water through my fingers from a faucet.
With gardening, 'there's always next year' has never bothered me in the least. But to wait through another year for Autumn to return? To suffer through another hot & humid Summer? I can't bear the thought. Honestly, gardening is what gets me through the warm months so I'm glad for that much during Spring & Summer. I live for Autumn and then Winter.
I've spent too much time here at home since I got home from the hospital in July. Way too much time. But what choice did I have? What choice do I have? In one way it's been good - I've purged A Lot of stuff from our home & basement and I intend to keep doing so.
I can't read. Nothing holds my interest when it comes to books. Magazines seem to be easier on me so I went through my stack that had piled up since the Summer. (Before this I couldn't even manage them). So frustrating!
I can't write outside of the occassional blog post. (Not even in my journal). This is something I don't recall happening before, overall writer's block. I've always been able to at least journal (and blog).
It's all relative. I know it could be worse, could have been worse (or even the worst, I could have died in July and was pretty dern close to it).
33lbs lost and I'm finally Looking like me again. I wonder when I'll Feel like me again? But, really, who was I? Who am I? I'm not sure now.
I'm overwhelmed. Angry. Sad. Un-inspired. Discouraged. Clueless. Drifting again. Numb. Faith shaken. Changed. (And not for the better).
I'll get through this, one way or another. It's going to take time this go-around, a lot of time I think.