Friday, October 22, 2010

Turning Upheaval Into Revival

I've been good at doing just that (turning upheaval into revival) for so long now, I think I've run out of steam with it. I don't think I can do it any more. I don't know if I want to. Guess I'll have to wait & see.

I am worn out. Physically and emotionally. I feel so old yet I'm "only" in my 35th year of life!

Last Friday's surgery was harder on me than I expected.

Much harder.

I know, I should have expected it to be, after all, 2 surgeries and a life threatening illness within 3.5 months is a lot for anyone, but perhaps it was better for me that I didn't anticipate it being so hard afterwards. I was nervous enough.

I've managed to get out twice this week but the outtings were very short because I'm in pain and exhausted. I'm glad I got out though. I can barely stand to be in the house any more. Especially at this, my favorite time of year. I feel as though Autumn is passing as quickly as water through my fingers from a faucet.

With gardening, 'there's always next year' has never bothered me in the least. But to wait through another year for Autumn to return? To suffer through another hot & humid Summer? I can't bear the thought. Honestly, gardening is what gets me through the warm months so I'm glad for that much during Spring & Summer. I live for Autumn and then Winter.

I've spent too much time here at home since I got home from the hospital in July. Way too much time. But what choice did I have? What choice do I have? In one way it's been good - I've purged A Lot of stuff from our home & basement and I intend to keep doing so.

I can't read. Nothing holds my interest when it comes to books. Magazines seem to be easier on me so I went through my stack that had piled up since the Summer. (Before this I couldn't even manage them). So frustrating!

I can't write outside of the occassional blog post. (Not even in my journal). This is something I don't recall happening before, overall writer's block. I've always been able to at least journal (and blog).

It's all relative. I know it could be worse, could have been worse (or even the worst, I could have died in July and was pretty dern close to it).

33lbs lost and I'm finally Looking like me again. I wonder when I'll Feel like me again? But, really, who was I? Who am I? I'm not sure now.

I'm overwhelmed. Angry. Sad. Un-inspired. Discouraged. Clueless. Drifting again. Numb. Faith shaken. Changed. (And not for the better).

I'll get through this, one way or another. It's going to take time this go-around, a lot of time I think.

8 comments:

The Frog Queen said...

:( Sorry to hear you are so down. Sending good thoughts your way!

Get well soon!

Cheers!

Cottage Tails said...

((HUGS)))

Jo said...

Thanks so much Chris & Leanne! I truly appreciate your support.

Judy said...

I hope you start feeling better soon...BIG (((((hug)))) your way!!!

Aunt Amelia's Attic said...

My heart goes out to you, Dear One.

I've heard that people who recover from a heart attack, can become depressed in some way. One would wonder why, hu? They survived. So why are they depressed?

Could this be something like that? You have survived. Is this part of why you have been so down? And I don't mean, just that you need rest after a operation. That is a given. And when we are weak, we can feel down.

Wondering if you might speak to your doctor about this? And see if he has seen this [very down] reaction, in others... Maybe...

Then again, maybe you don't want to read any suggestions...

Gentle hugs...

Jo said...

I appreciate your concern; I wouldn't wonder why that person was depressed at all, it's quite normal in fact - many go through depression after a traumatic/life altering event and I've been through this before. They like to label it Post Traumatic Stress Disorder nowadays. Having been in abusive relationships in the past, living with disease for well over 15 years (including depression) in addition to other things in life that get dealt, it's a little more than difficult to be immediately grateful for having made it through another hell. One gets tired, a tired most cannot imagine. And I am quite honestly tired. For those who haven't gone through something like this, I'm glad for them! I will get through this one way or another (I have before); part of my getting through this is to get these feelings out. Fortunately or unfortunately what you see in this post isn't any where near as depressed as I've been in the past and for That I am grateful.

dmuseit said...

From everything you are describing I am pretty sure I have gone(and continue to go) through something very similar. Mine is still pretty much undiagnosed but began with thyroid trouble at puberty.
I am constantly reinventing myself and often just trying to find a way to get through another day hoping tomorrow will be better.
Its a toss up between not having the energy to go anywhere and do anything and the anxiety of being cooped up and needing to be anywhere but here. I call it a clash between agorophobic and claustrophobic.
I am a big believer in journaling and artistic expression. I posted about a free online art class I am taking if you care to join. It has just begun so you are not late.
Called Art, Heart and Healing.
Of course it helps some more than others, but the price is right!

I have to read more about your surgery and experience.

Jo said...

dmuseit, I am at the same time comforted by your sharing your experiences with me and saddened that someone else know's all too well what I'm going through (as I wouldn't wish any of it on any one, ya know?). Thank you so much for stopping by. I'm going to take a look into that class you mentioned, thanks for suggesting it! And I too border on having trouble with leaving the house sometimes after being cooped up in it for so long. Sending love, support and positive healing vibes your way...