Saturday, September 28, 2013

A Writers Journal and Living With Disease: Putting It Out There

Written Friday, September 27, 2013
Well great googley moogley, I hit rock bottom the end of last week and through the weekend! Friday I came down with what I thought was a wicked awful case of (self inflicted) food poisoning which turned out to be a wicked nasty stomach virus! (We figured it out when Hubbs started getting sick on Sunday with the same thing). Top 5 sickest I’ve ever been and I nearly died 2 of those times! This time I actually felt like I was going to die (and wanted to quite honestly – others who’ve had it have said the same thing). A week later for me and I’m still not 100% though I have graduated to light foods besides soup, crackers & toast and I was actually hungry today. (Apparently it’s going around so Watch Out!)

Thankfully I’m feeling better emotionally now than I was last weekend in the middle of it all. The lowest I have been in a very long time. I think I’ve been leading up to it anyhow what with what I wrote about in my last piece. (Anger, reconciling my health with my writing dreams, etc. - click here). I don’t want to just swallow it back down and pretend like it didn’t happen and that the feelings aren’t real or I was just feeling that way because I was so incredibly ill. I thought I had dealt with most of this before, but, with the way it’s coming up and out recently, I either didn’t or have to again. And I think I’m okay with that.

In the midst of physical and emotional pain (or agony as the case was), sometimes there are glimmers of… I don’t know what to call them. Realizations? Ah-ha moments seems too cliché for me right now. Regardless, I noted the following in my journal as they came:

-Too much stuff and clutter is TOXIC!

-Constantly being on the hunt for new stuff (or constantly thinking about new things to hunt down) is TOXIC!

-Disregarding my portion sizes, sodium/sugar/fats intake is TOXIC!

-NOT WRITING IS TOXIC!

-When I feel the need to go on a hunt for new stuff, I need to just sit down and WRITE!

-I’ve started eating too fast (shoveling it in as it were) because so often I don’t enjoy the taste of food anymore. (Thanks to meds, allergies, sinuses and – ugh – age).

-Autumn is not only the month of October! I know October is my favorite month, but Autumn is my favorite season and it’s technically 3 months long. I will appreciate Autumn in some way every single day this year. This might help with the blues that set in once Halloween has come & gone. (I definitely don't had SAD, I love the cooler and cold months of the year like nobody's business! You could say I get SAD in the Summer though - I loathe the heat & humidity as most of you well know).

-I’m afraid. I have been for a very long time, years, maybe most of my life even, of so many things, those I can control and those I can’t, but I haven’t really acknowledged it outside of myself. But, I am afraid, especially recently, though my fears are different now than they were in the past, and I don’t want to keep that fear inside anymore. I don’t know quite what to do about it and I don’t want to make anyone else feel uncomfortable or badly, nor am I looking for advice, but, I’m putting it out there so maybe some good can come of it. I realize keeping it inside or trying to pretend I’m not hasn’t done much good.

And there you have it.

For the time being anyhow!

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