Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Anger: A Writers Journal and a Living With Disease piece.

Yes, today I'm angry. Well, I wasn't at first, but as the day wore on, it welled up inside of me.

Yesterday was my first IV session since the beginning of June. I normally have one every six weeks. Coming down with a sinus infection and bronchitis postponed it once, then my being too run down from flare-ups and migraines postponed it again. It's hit or miss really with how much an IV will knock me on my arse. I'm always run down by it for a few days, then there are the times when I'm down for a week after. If I'm off schedule, it usually hits me hard.

And that's happening now.

At the very least, I wanted to write today. So, while in my favorite chair huddled under a fleece robe (couldnt get warm on this chilly day thabks to the meds) at one point I picked up my notepad and started making additional notes to the ones I started this Saturday. But that's as far as I always get.

I don't know how to begin! How to begin writing this or these stories! I don't know how to reconcile all these ideas & notes into the novel or novels I want to write. I haven't the foggiest idea how and lately I'm beyond frustrated, I'm getting angry.

I heard something over the weekend that I couldn't agree with more: 'Unused creativity isn't begnine, it metastasizes and turns into anger, self-loathing, guilt...' and so on. (I'm paraphrasing since I didn't write it down when I heard it). That's happening to me, but I don't know what to do about it and no, it's not as simple as "just write."

Migraines and memory issues aside (not to mention brain/med fog and dyslexia), for the most part I have a healthy and active mind. A healthy and active mind trapped in an unhealthy and uncooperative body. The two don't often work well together anymore. I'm often so distracted my how I feel physically, I can't read anything much less write. Often I'm physically unable to write (or type) because my arms and hands feel as though they weigh that of sandbags, or I'm stuck in bed going in and out of restless sleep, my vision blurred by exhaustion, meds, or both. And migraines aren't conducive to doing anything period.

I don't know how to reconcile it all! And I'm running out of time. I'm only 20 months away from turning 40, and lets be honest, who knows what kind of life expectancy I have with all of my (in curable, chronic and progressive) health issues. Plus, I feel as though time is getting away from me faster than ever and there's nothing I can do to slow it down some. Days can now pass faster than the blink of an eye and there are times it's so startling to look at the clock and see it's after 2pm I cry, filled with mourning over another day coming & going without having anything to show for it.

And when I'm feeling exceptionally unwell, as is the case today, I'm more emotional and raw than usual. And so today, I'm angry.

(Please note, I'm sharing this *not* to get advice, but I'm sharing it in the hopes that others Living With Disease, like myself, will find some comfort in knowing they aren't alone in these kinds of struggles. Thanks).


nittygrittydirtman said...

Hi Jo. I know you through Garden Chat, but I had to let you know that this particular post (although not about gardening) completely resonated with me. Eight years ago, when I was 42, I was diagnosed with Coronary Artery Disease (CAD) -- and I have run the gambit of emotions, all those stages of loss -- but every so often, anger returns (not as much as when I was first diagnosed) -- but it's there and sometimes it's fierce, a willingness to lash out at everyone. I never smoked nor used drugs; nor was I overweight -- and I hear I sit (and stand and exercise and watch my diet), with 13 stents. I'm not offering advice (you probably get a lot of that already). I just think it's okay to be angry, to vent -- and by all means write it out. Stay strong and I'll "see" you in the chat. :)

Jo said...

Thank you so much for sharing your story with me! And the others who read TPH. I'm so glad my sharing part of my journey lead you to share yours with me here. I can't tell you how much I appreciate that and I'm glad you see what I was doing here - it is okay to be angry, it's normal to be angry given different circumstances and it's okay to let it out from time to time - otherwise it will consume you with negativity and who needs that with everything else we're dealing with!?