At least that's what I've been telling myself since last Sunday afternoon after a phone call from Obgyn. Not that you ever expect to hear them, but three words you just don't expect to hear on a quiet Sunday while making an early lunch with your husband are: Abnormal pap and biopsies.
My doctor says my chances for cervical cancer are extremely low, abnormal paps are unfortunately more frequent as a woman gets older and he doesn't want me to worry. But, I've never had one come back like this (possibly indicating cervical cancer), and with my already compromised immune system, and worrying being a natural part of who I am... It's been a long week!
Of course there are random moments of worry and panic and tears (aka what I like to call 'come to Jesus meetings') but I know how sick I can make myself over something and that won't do me any good while waiting and it sure won't do me any good in the event there is something to worry about after all.
I've realized that I tend to stop living during the most stressful times and then getting back to "normal" after takes more effort than it should! And that's getting to be too much of a pain to deal with as I get older.
It's ironic - throughout this Winter I've become more aware of my unpredictable life expectancy due to living with Rheumatoid Disease (rheumatoid arthritis) but I don't mean that in the 'what's the point of anything?' way but in a way that's made me determined to do as much as I can on the days I'm able to try and off set all the days when I'm unable. I had a (very) rough patch last year and I'd stopped dreaming. I've been writing again, changing things around our home - are things perfect? Far from it! I'm exhausted (as always) and I could do more on certain levels but I'm working on it, happy, blessed and have an amazing husband.
And the day before the doctor's call, we were so relieved because my father-in-law's estate was finally 100% settled. I was even more relieved because settling it has been causing problems with my husband's blood pressure off & on and I've been so worried about him!
Then this curve ball has been thrown at me and I'm like, "Now?! Oh I do not think so! Hell no! Hell no! Hell No!"
I am not leaving my husband or this earth any time soon! I don't want to. I'm not ready to. I am okay with not having children. But, I am not okay with leaving my husband or this earth any time soon. (Sorry to repeat myself).
I'm fighting to stay positive throughout each day, focusing on who and what I love most, and in doing so, simplifying certain areas of my (online) life which have become overwhelming. I started with my twitter accounts last week (of which I have three and still do but I'm only using my main account @BloominChick) and moved on to my photo blog, Through My Eyes 360, today (which I'm not deleting, but it will be inactive for the time being and the title will be moved here for photo posts). I'm also going to refocus here at TPH and get cracking on my book again this week.
My biopsies are scheduled for Monday, 3/17, Saint Patrick's Day. Not exactly how I'd planned on spending this beloved holiday (and yes, in my family it's a holiday, not an embarrassing excuse to get drunk). The waiting is the worst. But, it was the first available appointment unless there's a cancellation. So I have another long week ahead of me and I will keep doing as I have been. I am determine to get through this! We are determined! And thank God for my husband. He is truly my rock and my strength, always and especially during times like this.
Your prayers, support and positive energy during this time is so greatly appreciated!!!