I realize this is a process we all go through as we get, heh hum, older, but I think it may happen sooner than expected for many who are living with disease, like me.
When the holidays get closer, especially once Halloween is over, I miss the retail industry. In one area of my past, I ran retail businesses, from mom & pop shops (my favorite) to big box chain stores. It was exhausting work, not always the most rewarding (apologies, but the customer is *not* always right), but overall I enjoyed it and excelled at it.
My favorite part of it all was when I worked in the mom & pop shops doing merchandising. Creating themed displays and windows, especially during the holidays, was so much fun! I think it's what I miss the most. A creatively productive outlet that was fulfilling.
I always thought I would end up owning my own retail business. Garden nursery, books, office supplies, decorations. Something along those lines. Or a retail merchandising business where I did the displays and windows for mom & pop shops. (It's not easy to own and operate a business plus have the time to make your products/store visually attractive to consumers, especially if you're short on staff).
It hit me last week that these particular dreams weren't likely to come true because of my health. You think it would have dawned on me sooner. Maybe I would've preferred it hadn't come to light at all. But, it did and that's alright. At least I can mourn them and move on. Quickly, no dwelling. Yes, mourn. I stood at the livingroom window Wednesday and cried like I had just lost a friend. In a way, I had.
It's upsetting even now, typing this. It's so new. And scary. Letting go of who I was, who I thought I was and wanted to be is absolutely one of the most anxiety inducing things I think I've ever done! (In fact, I feel like I want to throw up right now). But, I'm pretty sure it's also a good thing. I can get to know who I am now, who I want to be now, and create new dreams.